My husband and I, like most parents, want their children to have happy and healthy childhoods. We want our children to be successful in all that they do. When you deal any kind of difficulty with your children you want answers and you want them quickly. When dealing with behavior and concerns with mental health you end up going to see a lot of people. As a therapist, I am often referring to these providers. Running between them all is exhausting and at times overwhelming. For me, perhaps because of my occupation or just because I want the best for my children, running between all of these appointments actually made me feel like a bad parent, like everything that David was dealing was my fault for not parenting right.
If you have not had therapy, intake sessions consist of sharing your life history; current information, life history, medical history and family history. With each new provider we have had to retell "the history" of our son. We have each section of social history picked apart to help improve treatment, give the best picture for diagnosis, and to give David the services he needs. Each time my husband and I worry we are the contributing factor in David's difficulties. And despite the fact that we believe/ understand that there is not always a biological explanation for ASDs, it is still difficult to not speculate about whether or not you are at fault.
After several difficult months, David's therapist suggested looking into an ASD. At first I was in shock, but after sitting with it, going through each diagnostic point, step by step with his therapist (mind you this was at 10 o'clock at night while I am sitting on my kitchen floor trying to figure out if I need to have my son hospitalized due to self injury), I was able to see where he was coming from. Maybe because I have clients with ASDs, once I heard the therapist's concerns and looked at each one individually I accepted that we were going to have to have David assessed for an ASD. I had also expected that we would end up with an ASD diagnosis.
After that first discussion with David's therapist, I thought I was ok with looking into an ASD. I mean it seemed to make sense because David fit so many of the diagnostic criterions. But as his behavior, specifically his self injurious behavior, continued with little improvement for medication adjustments, I began to doubt my ability to deal with the scope of David's needs. I found myself questioning and worrying about how he will navigate his life. I worried if he would make more friends, or if he would ever find love. And despite the fact that I know everything and anything is possible for him, I grieved the ideal son I had created in my mind since he was born. It seems ridiculous, considering the fact that David is extremely high functioning, incredibly smart, funny, and all around wonderful. I have no doubt that he will achieve everything and anything he wants to in life. And yet for that moment, there I was a pile of tears going through all of the "what if's". This process has been extremely hard for my husband. Despite all the facts about ASDs, Brent struggled with the idea of an ASD diagnosis. During David's first ASD evaluation, Brent had alternate reasoning for each criterion that he met. And even after his diagnosis was confirmed by neuropsychological, Brent struggled. He worried David would be seen as disabled. He worried that David's peers would bully him. He worried about what kind of treatment he needs. He worried if it was his fault.
While we as parents have struggled with this diagnosis, David has continued on; reading books, playing Pokemon, playing with his friends, and being our amazing and wonderful son. At the end of the day the diagnosis, means little. David is the same child he has always been, but now there is a fancy name to describe his behavior. Which is exactly the point, David is a nine year old with an autism spectrum disorder; it is something he has, notsomething he is. David is my amazing son.
Our Amazing Family
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